The Satan Within: 2

The parched emotions are plagiarizing me now.

It’s been four days now and no sign of anybody.

But why is it not bothering me? No calls from my mom. It’s still not making me feel unwanted. I just have had a massive breakup. But the tears dried up soon.

It has become more and more evident to me that I am running away. The perfect geometry of spider web cast on to the wall made me realize the span of time that has whiffed past me. That was not me. I was used to rising from the ashes, just like the phoenix.

This is probably how you grow up. You know you are an adult when tears get covered up in the dazzle of smiles, when people can’t see the second you, when it hardly matters whether you are staying in a group or in the confines of your immaculately done walls.

“Hi, how was your day?” We talked about just everything but not what was supposed to be told.

He appeared discomposed and I felt the melancholy in his voice. The reason never occurred to me.

More than a year and I couldn’t understand him.

It’s so difficult to know the underlines of a beautiful dress. You can never tell the comfort unless you try it on.

What I had with him I had with none. It is not that I never felt this strong mesmerism for someone before. I had and it had been to the point of craziness, but this was different. I know I have this irrational fear of being fixed and not able to move. The phobia has never let me stay at one place. The thought has made me scared, damn too much that I might get caught up in the wrong room if I don’t move ahead. Mom says if you don’t take the plunge, if you don’t stabilize, how will you know if it is the wrong room? It is never about the wrong destination, it is about how well you deal with the situation. True that is!

But she doesn’t know the river that I am needs to flow, touch new soil and hit that unwavering rock, take that meandering turn, always. Someday, meet the fate but make the way. Yet I took my plunge, stopped for a while.

Never had I felt this way before, the thrill of his touch. There was something enticing about us. I was ready to cease the pursuit.

The desire to be with him and the lust for more, the never ending hunger for this game, it drives the life in me. It makes me feel alive. Like the lion that tastes the human blood, I am addicted to the hunger and the adrenaline rush that it instills in me. It is so similar to the high that I achieve every time I beat the failure.

Had I found my destiny in him? Had I reached my destination? It seemed beautiful if this is it.

But I knew that this would not last, the river that I am. But the war, it was crumbling me day in and day out. I guess when you start getting sure about things; its then that fate plays the silent bitch.

I thought he must be fretting over something so chose to disconnect the call. Never did I contemplate that the next call would change everything.

The text from one of my closest confidante read, “Call me as soon as possible.”

I called and I was swept off my feet.

I called him back and tried to make him speak the truth but in vain. He just said that he was tired and that’s it. The lie was killing me. I can stand anything but the lie.

I confronted and he broke the silence.

The ex had ruined it. He had been with her and I had no idea.  No remorse on his part. I cried like a baby. It had been ages that I had cried so badly.

But then, why was I?

Had the river concluded the journey? Are the destinations that look so tempting illusionary?

They say if it is not beautiful it is not the end.

The broken strings, the lost conversations, the ever faded medley of people around; these hardly bring up any ounce of feeling. They were a chapter, once lively and now they have met their end.

The journey is still on. The reservoir can try to tame the flow but it is always unaware of the capabilities of its captive.

I had to clean my room. The spider webs looked so uncanny.

It was past 2 AM. I opened the window and a cool whip of breeze met my face. It was raining and as it softened the hardened earth, I felt something ooze in my heart. I felt the dryness slowly dissolve.

And I smiled. It is not the end. The expedition has begun and the fear of stability is back. The Satan in me still lives. The game is yet to be over.

The lady in the train

The train was gaining momentum and the slow rumble of the metal over metal softened. The distance was closing with each moment that passed. Clad in a black chiffon scarf, she was engrossed into the colors of nature. I saw her. She was beautiful. She must be in her late twenties. Those big black eyes seemed fascinated by the herd of goats that passed by. She sat by the window, still, and kept gazing at them till they faded away. She seemed restless. A little playful child tugged at her oblivious of her thoughts and seemed amused at something. There was a sharp honking now and then that broke her chain of thoughts.

I looked outside the rusty frame. We were moving over a river. The water shimmered under the scorching sun like little diamonds strewn all around hidden under the short green shrubs that had never grown tall. They had failed badly.

It had been raining. I had forgotten an umbrella but it didn’t matter. The scheduled time of arrival was 12:05 and I had no time to go back. I got into the taxi and headed for the airport. Drenched into the warmth of the taxi, I couldn’t smile. A serpentine, black slithering, gnawing at me, looked deep through me; it knew the darkness in me. I shuddered.

I had just woken up when you had called. I am coming.

‘Could you please shift a little?’ the lady asked. It was growing dark and we squirmed into an unknown land. The diamond on her finger sparkled.

‘You have a beautiful child.’

She smiled and her eyes dampened. She said nothing but in that very moment her eyes were screaming. She settled back to her nothingness. I stared at her with a piercing gaze, what was she thinking? She obviously should be a lot happier than she appeared.

It was 4 years back. I hadn’t seen you for quite some time now. I missed you.

There is something about the sanguine human minds. They have desires. They aspire to hold hands with their dreams and come face to face with what they once coveted.

The taxi had stopped at the signal and it had stopped raining. I saw the folder in my hand and clutched it tightly. I did not know what to tell you. But I knew you will understand. We can’t be together anymore. I needed to get away.

Does love end? Or does it just chide behind the needs and becomes a figurine of total dependency? Maybe it is just a psychological need and demands the people involved to be physically present. It cripples us and sometimes acts as a driving force. Sometimes it motivates and sometimes it just makes you feel helpless. Or are we getting too mechanical to understand the basics? It’s not just about the carnal desires, or is it? How does the human brain function?

We are but, just another organism on the earth and the sine qua non remains same for all.

Madam, we are at the airport. Should I wait or leave?

I saw you coming out. There was a smile on your face. You came rushing to me and embraced me like never before.

What’s the matter? You seem lost.

There’s something we need to talk. I need to say something. This isn’t working and I think we better get separated. Here’s the ring. I saw it in your eyes. You knew this was coming sooner or later. We loved each other no doubt about that but we had our own dreams. It had taken me 25 years to build everything and I couldn’t let it go. Neither could you.

That was the last hug we had had and you just left. The iniquitous part of me wanted to run and hold you from behind and never let go. I wished I had.

Madam, ticket please. The train was moving through farmlands and I could see the petty workers guarding the fields and trying to ease the boredom by singing some folk songs.

I wanted to talk to her. She seemed to have a lot going on in the insides of her mind. Her silence was very disturbing.

Where are you headed? I tried to break the ice.

I am going to meet my husband. I saw no excitement on her face. Taking this conversation any further would definitely be vicious. I stopped.

Was getting estranged after all a selfish decision that I had made? There are so many couples out there who try to work on the long distance relationship and juggle their way forward. I looked at her. She was young and beautiful and obviously trying to fight the odds but she seemed tired. But then, is it just about survival? Just trying to keep your head above the water? Is the struggle worthwhile?

It was 5 am in the morning; the train pulled into the Delhi borders and came to a halt at the New Delhi station. Soon the clouds will give way to the morning sun and the red hue would make the city glow.

I looked at her. She mechanically collected all her stuffs, held the child and walked out. I followed suit. I walked behind her as if I was pulled by some force.

And then I saw it. The diamond was so familiar.

This lady would have been me had I not made my mind 4 years back. The light broke and the there was a huge chirping of morning birds. I got all my answers. There was a smile on my lips as I headed towards my Hotel.

Passengers-My story that began on a night

It had been raining heavily that afternoon. Dad was persistent that I should not go but I insisted.

AI-890 Ranchi- Delhi-Mumbai

Leaving home is never a good feeling even after you have been in and out for more than 6 years now. Somewhere it always aches and you can only fathom the vexation when you are away. It’s been 7 days and the warmth of my city was still not ready to leave. I wanted to stand there and look at the sky; my empyrean of my dreams, my people, my land. I wanted to take in the aroma and drown in the feeling of home-ness.

Mom please I want to take admission in Mumbai. I want to go away from home. I was 18 and I wanted liberation. That was 6 years ago.

Passengers are requested to move towards the boarding area. Boarding has begun for Flight AI-890 for Delhi. The announcement brought me back from the bi-lanes of reminiscence.

I bid goodbye to my ever teary eyed parents. Parents and their love for children!

The air was thin and there were heavy turbulence outside. The rumbling air-craft did scare many a soul. The gravity of situation was known only when we were told that the flight was being re-routed to Jaipur and suddenly we were passengers to a different destination. The weather was very uncertain and unpredictable.

Life is just like a journey through the turbulence.

There is always something good about the journeys. You make acquaintances and it’s good to see people opening up to one another. After all we are humans. I could hear little murmurs that turned into giggles and then an outcry about time. They were buoyant & innocent people around. Look deeply into every eye and there is a story; story of love, grief, triumphant, failure. It’s a different story each time.

They were passengers and I was one of them. Whatever might have been going in our lives, this was one moment when we had similar needs. One situation was binding us all together. We were united and this union was resonating the humanity that is deeply seeded in us beneath the layers of muck.

People come together in times of grief.

A 4 hour journey stretched to 11 hours. We left for Delhi and around 2 AM I reached Mumbai. It had been raining and my bed was all that I desired. I looked around. It was middle of the night and everything and everybody was in a cocoon except for the hustle of passengers who had de-planed at CSIA. They were happy faces, distressed by the turn of events. This will get antiquated soon, I know.  7 hours into the day, they will be telling stories. I smiled and moved away.

Excuse me, where do we get autos from?

The voice was humble and I looked back. Something was in that moment, in those eyes.

I showed him the way and to my surprise we were passengers to the same destination; in reality and in life. I offered him a ride and in those 15 minutes that we were together, our hearts ached. It wanted to scream with ecstasy.

It is funny, how life throws happiness in crumbs and bits, isn’t it?  I have been in relationships before. I have sailed through rough sea and smooth ripples. I have seen the horizon turn blue and orange.

Let’s meet; and thus started a new beginning. Once a co-passenger on board AI-890, was now a companion in life. Maybe my heart wanted that.

We kept meeting and life was good. I was basking into the colors of rainbow. I was exhilarated. But life kicks you when you least expect it to. I realized that we hardly spoke. And when we did, it only had him into the center. He was plagiarized by self obsession. He did not love me as an individual but the pleasures of our bodies hitting together. He was addicted and sick.

Suddenly, the humble voice that came from behind turned coarser. The pink and orange all turned grey slowly. It was all but a piece of lie. Time had unearthed the truth. It was a fine web and I was being strangled. He was a compulsive liar. And respect was a foreign language. Commitment, a farfetched dream! I was just another achievement in his life; a trophy that he could shove into the face of people who questioned him on why his first relationship did not work. I defy to be objectified.

You cannot breakup at such trivial issues. Adjust and compromise why won’t you? You know how I am.

He couldn’t accept being dumped. It was a blow to his male chauvinist heart. He felt I would never leave, he is a successful man and women need financial security. True that is to one extent but he forgot that one, who builds her security, is the women of heart that’s rock solid. The unwavering attitude that she bears keeps her alive and confident.

I am not the weakling. I will not let you hurt me.

I looked around, and I found myself aboard the same flight. Flight to uncertainty!

I looked around. Masks! Every face had a mask. Look deeper and you can see the dark tanned skin. The stories that I was reading a while ago, were stories built against lies, deceit and treachery. They were beautiful faces all masked up. Truth lay hidden.  That night had changed so much of my perspective towards life. The chain of events that had triggered had taught me lessons.

Don’t go today. Weather is not good for travelling. Wish I had taken his advice.

Life is a journey and we meet people as we cross milestones. Some tread a mile along; some are faint silhouettes fading behind. But the underline is that we have to keep moving irrespective of the hurt. And as I said, look into the eyes and it’s always a different story. This was my story of the night. My eyes will be full of suspicion.

The understatement is that we are Passengers to our own destination. 

Djinn in My Dream

The Jungle was lush green. It had rained quite a lot and each leaf was more of Kelly and harlequin. The brightness made me shudder as one ray of sun pierced through my skin through the darker canopy above.

Where was I?

I couldn’t see the mud. Lavish moss spread like a king over the dead sycamore.

A loud hiss took my fascination. I turned around to see a giant creature standing tall, overpowering everything around. It was mighty and the scales were shining as the rays fell on him as if honoring his presence.

The car honked to a stop. We had reached the destination. We crossed the lanes to reach the office premises and as I waited for him to summon the meeting, it returned.

I was tired. I had been running for miles now. The jungle seemed to close in. I could see no way out. I was scared. I ran hysterically though the woods. The spider webs had walled me with an uncertainty. There was a small cavern in the vicinity. It was dark inside and I was vacillating my choices. It seemed erroneous.

The distance was closing and I could feel the heat of the fangs. The hiss grew louder and clearer.

We have rescheduled the meeting to 1300 due to some emergency. We had 40 minutes on hand. I took a sigh and tried to relax.

I turned around; he was looking straight into my eyes. There was nowhere I could run and I could see the evident end. The jungle was unknown, ruthless with the beast. It showed no mercy. I looked into the deathly eyes, red and appalling. It was staring at me, mocking my perseverance.

Why was it following me; that ghastly creature?

It was time to confront one last time. It did not look exasperated but what could a lady as docile as me do to save herself from the horror. There was nowhere I could go.  I closed my eyes, my heart was sinking. The ship had no life-boats and land was not insight. I was in the state of acceptance. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

Your bank accounts have been frozen due to heavy debts.

It was then that I realized it wanted to say something. It was my gates to freedom. Never did it harm me or even tried to harm me. I just had to stop running away and find my answers to the riddle. I followed it to the maze and the smell of the sandal-wood was ravishing. I knew the slithering death that the woods held in its chest. I had to find a way out. He was the djinn.  I was running away from my only assuage. I smiled and moved towards it.

I handpicked every piece of my strength that had dissipated, bundled it up and went into the conference room.

My son was in the hospital. He needed treatment and this deal needs to close.

Into The Night

The night was growing darker with each passing moment but life had just begun in frenzy for a bunch of enthusiasts. I was walking under the dazzling stars and as I looked towards the dark empyrean, I felt a chill that ran straight down my spine. The smoke in my hand fell and I quivered in an attempt to save it.

How long have I been up? It was past midnight and the hum-drums of the day had almost come to an end. Half the world was in deep slumber dreaming of their own demons and angels. The rest half was fighting it.

He had shouted at me that day. I was in tears. And I was clueless. What mattered to him more?

It has been 2 years. It’s all afresh and I can still see the smile and looks that we shared now and then. The text messages, the calls that went on for hours during the tours, meetings and lunch breaks. But time has wings, beautiful wings and it flies fast decomposing the episodes even faster.

The phone was ringing and I was frantically texting using all the social media apps with a hope that he might check one of them. Hard luck. It had been 3 days since we had any point of contact. 

When did I start becoming a Bête noire?

A car honked past me and I realized I had been smoking again. The night was growing eerier with bats flying all across the dark grey & navy hue.

At the end of the road I could see faint colored lights glowing and a distant music that was playing on repeat. I sauntered unmindful but captivated towards it. I could see faintly now the exuberant crowd and amidst it a beautiful silhouette draped in the orange fuchsia lehenga. A handsome groom proud to have her stood like a guard with a promise to keep her happy and let her live her life. I could now see how glad he was to have her. Will it remain like this forever?

What had gone wrong? The question is how we let it go wrong.

It had been 2 years since I wore a similar Lehenga. I was skeptical about the future. I was wearing the rainbow colored bangles. I was the Bride. He had the same promise in his eyes. Apparently it was just 3 weeks back when I found out that I was pregnant. And he was happy about it. I was in a fix.

‘Congratulations! You are going to London to head the new project.’

Dream of the lifetime! I had to choose. The road had bifurcated into left and right.

Why didn’t he keep his promise? Why couldn’t he live my dream?

I had been smoking for the entire night pondering over the turn of events; the choice that I made and the choice that he made. I felt my knees go weak. But then a geyser opened somewhere inside me. Warm and comforting, I bathed into the strength that flowed. Life came back and I trudged back home.

I packed my bags. I had a flight for London at 0310 hours tomorrow. As I lied down, I felt something under the pillow. He was divorcing me.

I closed my eyes and a deep breath helped. I had a new life waiting at the doors. 

The Satan Within

The mornings are surreal with cool whip of breeze now and then that fills my nostrils with the aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the fragrance of the white lilies and bougainvillea that host upon the age old walls of the building next door, both redolence’ amalgamated in a fashion of oneness.

Yet another Mumbai morning!

Rains came pouring down my window pane and it demanded a huge effort from my end to just move out of the mollycoddles of my furs. It is a huge task. I surrender.

It was 9:15 AM and I recalled the last night’s conversation. It was after midnight and none of us wanted to leave the company we had.

[What an invention! Graham Bell, you rest in peace buddy.] You have brought the world together.

And lo! The Satan in me lives! Yet again I let loose my Frankenstein. I am basking in pure love. I am being selfish. I am drawn in by the desires of race. I unveil the alluring side and let the dark chide away. But it exists! And the prominence of its presence is stunning. It lives in the camouflage of my goodness.

Dark is beautiful, it is magnetic.

My phone rings and breaks the continuity of my thoughts.

The Lady in black takes the back seat but the desire is overpowering me. I need to fly back in time and let loose the wings that I kept folded. Let myself be loved and pampered. I deserve it. She is screaming from behind the dark caverns. Let me out. I am you and I live!

Voice at the other end murmured something I couldn’t comprehend. I nodded in consensus.

We have nothing. Absolutely nothing between us! But this nothingness is beautiful. No judgment, just a bowl full of right proportions of all that makes a human ‘a human’ basically. Technically, this could be the best that a life can offer. I will not relinquish the gourmet in accord.

But the much coveted fruits come with a price. That’s where you find the dead end. It’s either a right or a left.

The rage begins!

The tempest tears me apart and I choose to unfurl the insatiable desire.  I choose you but I do not let go of my lady. She is beautiful. She gives me pleasure. Her dark soft mane is comforting. I am a traveler of different ships and I drown in chivalry.

Its 10:30 AM.  I cut the ends loose.