The Satan Within: 2

The parched emotions are plagiarizing me now.

It’s been four days now and no sign of anybody.

But why is it not bothering me? No calls from my mom. It’s still not making me feel unwanted. I just have had a massive breakup. But the tears dried up soon.

It has become more and more evident to me that I am running away. The perfect geometry of spider web cast on to the wall made me realize the span of time that has whiffed past me. That was not me. I was used to rising from the ashes, just like the phoenix.

This is probably how you grow up. You know you are an adult when tears get covered up in the dazzle of smiles, when people can’t see the second you, when it hardly matters whether you are staying in a group or in the confines of your immaculately done walls.

“Hi, how was your day?” We talked about just everything but not what was supposed to be told.

He appeared discomposed and I felt the melancholy in his voice. The reason never occurred to me.

More than a year and I couldn’t understand him.

It’s so difficult to know the underlines of a beautiful dress. You can never tell the comfort unless you try it on.

What I had with him I had with none. It is not that I never felt this strong mesmerism for someone before. I had and it had been to the point of craziness, but this was different. I know I have this irrational fear of being fixed and not able to move. The phobia has never let me stay at one place. The thought has made me scared, damn too much that I might get caught up in the wrong room if I don’t move ahead. Mom says if you don’t take the plunge, if you don’t stabilize, how will you know if it is the wrong room? It is never about the wrong destination, it is about how well you deal with the situation. True that is!

But she doesn’t know the river that I am needs to flow, touch new soil and hit that unwavering rock, take that meandering turn, always. Someday, meet the fate but make the way. Yet I took my plunge, stopped for a while.

Never had I felt this way before, the thrill of his touch. There was something enticing about us. I was ready to cease the pursuit.

The desire to be with him and the lust for more, the never ending hunger for this game, it drives the life in me. It makes me feel alive. Like the lion that tastes the human blood, I am addicted to the hunger and the adrenaline rush that it instills in me. It is so similar to the high that I achieve every time I beat the failure.

Had I found my destiny in him? Had I reached my destination? It seemed beautiful if this is it.

But I knew that this would not last, the river that I am. But the war, it was crumbling me day in and day out. I guess when you start getting sure about things; its then that fate plays the silent bitch.

I thought he must be fretting over something so chose to disconnect the call. Never did I contemplate that the next call would change everything.

The text from one of my closest confidante read, “Call me as soon as possible.”

I called and I was swept off my feet.

I called him back and tried to make him speak the truth but in vain. He just said that he was tired and that’s it. The lie was killing me. I can stand anything but the lie.

I confronted and he broke the silence.

The ex had ruined it. He had been with her and I had no idea.  No remorse on his part. I cried like a baby. It had been ages that I had cried so badly.

But then, why was I?

Had the river concluded the journey? Are the destinations that look so tempting illusionary?

They say if it is not beautiful it is not the end.

The broken strings, the lost conversations, the ever faded medley of people around; these hardly bring up any ounce of feeling. They were a chapter, once lively and now they have met their end.

The journey is still on. The reservoir can try to tame the flow but it is always unaware of the capabilities of its captive.

I had to clean my room. The spider webs looked so uncanny.

It was past 2 AM. I opened the window and a cool whip of breeze met my face. It was raining and as it softened the hardened earth, I felt something ooze in my heart. I felt the dryness slowly dissolve.

And I smiled. It is not the end. The expedition has begun and the fear of stability is back. The Satan in me still lives. The game is yet to be over.